I think it was around nine years old though that I experienced my first panic attack. I was in our big green van with my mom, going home after running errands, and suddenly, an elephant was sitting on my chest, and I was being internally crushed with no room to externally move. I could not breathe, I felt numb all over, and my mind went to the worst place possible – I am dying. Going through an intersection, my mom asked if I was okay and the moment passed.
At age ten, I remember playing in the living room with a plastic bag, acting like it was a parachute and jumping off the chair like a skydiver. Out of nowhere, a thought popped into my head: “there will be a day I am not a kid anymore and I do not get to play”. Even turning ten was traumatizing, because the realization that my age was DOUBLE DIGITS meant I was getting old, and my morality was quickly approaching. It reminds me of the first few lines of lyrics from Katy Perry's song, Firework.
Junior year of high school, I started experiencing extreme vertigo. The best way I could describe it… do you know how you can swirl water in a water bottle or blender around, stop, but the water keeps spinning like a tornado? That’s what vertigo feels like, the swirling water in your head when everything else is standing still. Telling my mom about this, I went to doctors and neurologists and endured MRI and EEGs to see if I had a tumor or was having seizures. The results? Nothing, nothing was wrong and thankfully the figurative water was not spilling out everywhere...
Senior year of high school is really when my symptoms started to rear their ugly heads. Working my entire life to be involved in the highest academic program in the district while managing cheerleading, band, and a plethora of other organizations and volunteer work, to then graduate in the top twenty students of the class of over 500 and just be done was overwhelming to say the least. Suicidal thoughts, unexplained moments of panic and extremely draining crying sessions, those became normal. In the summer between high school and college, I went to my mom and told her I thought I needed help. She understands now what I was going through to an extent, but at the time, she just told me it was normal to feel this way when being close to going off to college. Fortunately, that did not stop me from getting help. I went to my best friend’s mom, Lillie, and asked her to take me to a psychologist appointment, scrapping money together from birthdays and graduation gifts to pay without submitting insurance. There, the psychologist told me after one session that they thought I had been suffering from anxiety and depression since I was around eight but had been so busy that I became what we now call a person with “high-functioning anxiety” so now that I did not have much to keep me busy, the symptoms were surfacing because my brain had the capacity to play its tricks. With this diagnosis in hand, I went back to my mom and explained. From there, we came up with a plan together to get me the professional help I needed. Twice-a-week therapy sessions in college, combined with medication and the support of my family and friends, helped me work through the struggle, identify triggers, and learn how to cope healthily when experiencing anxiety and depression. Do I still experience triggers and symptoms of anxiety and depression? Absolutely! Nail biting will be a habit I do not see breaking any time soon (maybe I need a growth mindset on that...) but I have the resources, tools, and voice to speak up when I need help and advocate for myself without feeling selfish, stupid, or broken. This includes my support system: my mom (pictured on the left), my best friend who is now my husband Scott (pictured in the middle), and Lillie who is now my mother-in-law (pictured on the right), as well as my other friends and family. I had teachers who cared for me, absolutely, and they taught me so much more than the academic knowledge I took to college and beyond, but they also taught me other skills, now defined as 21st century skills. Occasionally teachers, like Ms. Patak, would check in with me, but there was not much emphasis in the educational system on addressing the non-academic needs. I do not even know who my counselor was in school because my class schedule was pretty much set from 6th grade through 12th. The only time I might have met with them is for scholarship applications and getting a transcript ready to submit in college applications. Now, in light of the pandemic, employing counselors that address academics as well as the social, emotional, and mental needs of students is being prioritized. With this shift in focus, students are being treated more like people and less like factory workers who we get to churn out a specific, monotonous set of tasks. The reason I am in education, my why, also connects to my journey in my mental health. My ePortfolio and blog posts are a continuously evolving exhibits in living museum of me, math, and more. Today, talking about mental health and sharing my journey, is another new addition open for others to explore and experience. What is your journey with mental health? May this be an encouragement for you to share your journey with others so we can all keep healing and growing together.
References
Basic Fun! (2023). K’NEX Ferris Wheel. https://www.basicfun.com/product/knex-thrill-rides-3-in-1-classic-amusement-park-building-set/
Katy Perry. (n.d.). AZQuotes.com. https://www.azquotes.com/quote/436551 Plante, C. (2016, May 5). This Is Fine creator explains the timelessness of his meme. The Verge; The Verge. https://www.theverge.com/2016/5/5/11592622/this-is-fine-meme-comic Sick Science! (2009, March 5). Tornado Tube - Vortex in a Bottle. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dv6vQU94wws
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My husband lovingly teases me when I reflect on my day with him and say "I learned something new today!" because he would be surprised if I didn't learn something new.
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